The 1st 10K you gave me in 2008, it was all used up. Remember, you were jobless for a few months. You gave me RM1K. You only gave me RM2K in the late 2009. Dont you forget and deny about this. Your weakness was this, you thought you always gave something but the fact was NOT ALWAYS. Every month, I withdrew for our monthly needs.

We shifted house in January 1st. The house deposit, the house cleaning and fix this and that, I used the money. Remember I went back to Indonesia to urus visa Alif. Ticket for both of me and Alif, I used the money. Ya lah jadi wang darimana lagi? I withdrew RM2500 for tickets, and did the needy in Jakarta.

When you gave me another RM10K in February 2009, you thought the 1st RM10K was still intact. The balance was only RM900. I withdrew to open account in Affin. When we processed my father's visa, must paid RM1K something, I used the money. If I used our salary, it wasn't enough because in January and February, you only gave me RM500. Then when you chased out my father, I used the money to buy him ticket and gave him money for him to keep. When I went to Singapore to meet my sister, I bought the aeroline tickets from the money also. In May when I went to Jakarta to launch my book, I bought the tickets from the money also.

I KNOW, that I used up all the money. That was why I kept on writing books so I could repay it. I am so stupid right? The money from my books were NOT supposed to repay the money I used for our family. My mistake was I WAS SUPPOSED TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH that I didn't have money anymore so you could find money from somewhere else rather than taking from the saving.

THAT'S ALL.

I should've told you the truth and not tell your otherwise, not tell you that I transferred the money to my account in Indonesia.

You asked me to transfer back RM12K. EVERYBODY, I repeat, EVERYBODY told me NOT to return the money because it is not your money. You ever asked me how much the money left on one Sunday when I was cleaning the kitchen. I did not know the balance. So I just told you about RM17,220. Then you gave me another RM2K. So what you know, the balance was RM19,230 as what I told you in the car. I called up my friends to help me, I borrowed money from them.

Henry: RM11K
Irina: RM5K.

Actually, the balance was only RM3. Added with RM11K and RM5K, it became RM19K. I thought I was safe if you asked me to print the balance slip. But you din't ask. I had to return the money to Henry and Irina cos I borrowed it only if in case, you asked me to print the balance.

Remember, I sold some of Imman's safes. First I got RM5K. I gave you RM1K, for me RM1K. The balance I put in the account RM3K. Do you know what did I do with my RM1K? I bought dress for me, for Alif, bought bed sheets, and sent RM400 for my sister who was very poor, and gave Albert RM150 when you chased him out.

So 19K + RM3 = RM22K. Then you banked in RM1300, and I got another sales from the safes, I gave you RM500, RM800 must be transferred back to Safeguard, and the balance RM2K I banked in. So the total is RM25K.

I told you I banked in RM22K to Indonesia so you wouldn't be angry because I thought you could accept my explanation that the money was safe, that the money was not all used up. But your reaction was beyond all I could predict. But I already lied. Though everybody told me not to transfer the money, but my heart said pls transfer back. My Son.. MY SON WHOM YOU HATE, told me, "Kirim lah uangnya, ma. Dad pasti sangat perlu. Nanti blood pressure Dad semakin tinggi dan soriasis nya semakin teruk." My father said return the money. My sisters said return the money but I must tell you the truth about it.

In Indonesia, I called my publisher to borrow me money. At least as a prepaid royalti. They transferred the money, and I transferred it to you RM12K. The balance I had was only about RM2K something.

I did not want to return to Msia. I just wanted to forget everything and move on. But everynight, you rayu saya to come back... that you promised you would support me. That you promised you would sign my visa and my son's visa papers.

I did come back, though I knew in my heart, that you would not kotakan your promise. That again, you would hurt me, tortured me... i finally came back because I couldn't see the sadness in my father's eyes, to see one of his daughter's marriage has failed. I wanted to give him peace in his life. He wont live long....

So I returned, though I knew, the torture would continue. But what I am having now is worst than I imagined. I am being tormented by my feeling.. that I miss you so much, Dear. I wear our wedding ring for 24 hours, that's the only thing I have that links to you. I couldn't sleep for days... I couldnt eat..

I finally manage to sleep, but everytime I am awake in the middle of the night, all I have in mind is looking for you.. texting you.. calling for you name. Hon.. what are you doing right now...

Everytime I enter our bedroom, I automatically look at your bed side, virtually see you laying there. When I want to sleep, I say it in my heart "Goodnight hon.."

I never love someone like I love you. I fall in love with you when I was 33. It's a matured age for me. The love I have for you will stay with me forever.. though you dispise me.
posted by DHS