Hon,

You've moved to an isolation room. Doctor said the infection has damaged your lungs, and that it could affect other sick patients. You have very bad pneumonia and you surely are in pains if you wake up. The lungs infection is worsening because your body rejects the antibiotics they have been giving you. So their plan to reduce your sedation, is cancelled. They keep the dosage high.

Your drainage brain hose has been removed. Doctor said you cant have it for a long time. Only for a few days, but the pressure in your brain is fine. Your sugar level has gone down to 7.3. If you keep maintaining to make it down to 4, they will stop the insulin.

Your pupil is getting bigger. From size 3, to size 4. If it reaches size 6 or 7, you're dying. Doctor said you are very very sick and you can die.

Honey, I am very down today. So many things in my head.

I also have a question, why Alex always can get away from troubles with you, with everybody? He likes to take credit. He wants to take over your job. If he wants to do it, then do. If he needs my help, then dont take credit. I am the only one, right now, who's trying to keep your business running. He keeps giving me orders to tell your customers that "Tell them, I will take over. I am his son."

I dont want to fight over this. But to be honest, I am sad. It always happens in my life. When I helped you to get the job in DHL, with proud you said "Without Alex, I wont get the job." You did not even remember me..... I dont want to be dipuji2.. I just wonder.. why. Why people never see my contribution..

I am just an outsider. I sms Alex "Maybe we should let go one business in Port Klang since it's quite risky. The fence isn't good, if barang hilang, we must pay." then he said "Yeah I will pick up one by one. Not easy." Everytime I said "we", Alex answered with "I." If he thinks he is the only one who keeps your business running, then do it by himself.

I dont want to get any money from your business. I just dont understand when Alex can be totally matured and be grateful of my existence in his life......
posted by DHS

Hon,

I am sorry I wasn't able to come in the afternoon. I had some works that gave me RM200. Lumayan lah buat a few days since no bus to reach the hospital so I must take a cab and it's RM20 one way. I don't want to ask money from Alex. You know I never ask. Kepada siapapun, saya tak pernah meminta.

Ruban and Aunty Gloria came. They talked about past. About Julitha and the kids and the time those days. Again, I was like an outsider. Mano is a total torture. Everytime he came, all came from his mouth was only Julitha Julitha and Julitha. Only times when you were with her, when you two were still bercinta, ini itu.

I DONT WANT TO HEAR THAT.

Hon, your business in Aman is taken care of by Haji. Your assignment in Redza is by Kamaruddin and Ema the new Kerani. I'm helping them in doing a few things.

For your business in Amber Court, Alex and I are doing. Again, I do this not for me. I dont ask my share. I do this to help you. But I'm a bit sad since Alex is not doing anything yet, but he already declared that he's running your business. Again, I do this not for me. For you. I am just sad.... cos someone else takes credit on what Im doing.

When you wake up, what you know is Alex, your son, took care your business when you couldn't. And I am again... just a mere shadow...

I feel like.. should I leave all these to him? Should I just leave you to him? I think again.. and No. I wont leave you to him. I do this, not for him, not for you. But for myself. Because my love for you is genuine and sincere. I love you unconditionally.
posted by DHS

I'm starting to not feeling well. Got severe headache, maybe because lack of sleep. By the way, Hon.

When I collected your paperworks at your house and download all of your files from your computer to my pendrive, I found 'something'. I asked Albert did he ever try to check your papers. He said no.

Whoaaa... what the hell is that, Hon?? Porn film hahahahaa! You're cute. And don't worry, it is safe with me. You're lucky they did not see it.
posted by DHS

I had a fight with the doctor lady. I came there, no nurse was around. I was there for 1 hour, nobody attended you. You got fits in every 5 minutes. Usually every time you got fits, nurse will pump in a med into the machine. So I went through your papers not to get busy body but just automatically I read through. A nurse said Im not allowed to read. I said nobody updates me since yesterday, I want to know what is happening. The nurse asked me who I am, I said Im your wife.

Then the Indian doctor lady came said "My nurse told me something that made me upset, that we do not update you on your husband's condition. I explained it to you yesterday." I said yes, you did. I want to know what's happening today. Then she snapped at me, raised her voice said they cannot update me everyday since I am not there at night. I told her I am at the hospital every day from 11am to 10pm. I have a right to know what's going on since Im your wife and they have a full responsibility to explain when necessary and dont you think when a wife wants to know about her husband's condition is considered NECESSARY?!

I just want to know how my husband is and if there is no improvement even a little then say so. No need to raise her voice. She said they reduce your seizure medicines because your fits still dont stop, you are still a walking time bomb, slowly they will reduce all of your medicines and see if your brain and organ can cope up but that is not now, maybe 2 or 3 weeks from now.

I told her, that's it. That's all I know so she doesnt have to raise her voice!
posted by DHS

Hon,

I'm not in the mood of doing anything. I am just so down right now. I spoke with your other doctor, an Indian lady, who said you are a time bomb that can die anytime. "He can die," she said.

Your body is swollen, your right neck udah terluka. It hurts me too see you in the condition. It hurts for me to breath cos every breathe reminds me that you are there struggling to catch the air...

Brother Jim Tor came with Ruban. Beside talking about you, we talked about other things. Listen Hon, Brother Jim never met me. You said he is a man who can see someone deep inside them, right? You know what Brother Jim told me? "You are a good woman. I hope Robert gets the 2nd chance from God and treat you better."

I did not tell him what you've done to me. He knows.
posted by DHS

Hon,

When I went inside the ICU, the security guard told me there was one guest already inside. I walked fast to find out who. It was Azam. I felt so tired of explaining what has happened with you, because the more I explained it, the more I felt disappointed on the situation. I did not have the luxury to be there when you needed help in your house.

You were right, Azam was a bapuk. He cried, said he adored you very much and felt very sad this happened to you. I told him if you ever made mistake, please forgive you. He cried again.

Your body was swollen, Hon. I was very concerned. I told the nurse and she said "Orang sakit memang macam itu sebab dia tak bergerak kan. Tapi kita orang ada bagi dia ubat supaya dia kencing."

But Hon, it didnt look normal. I was afraid your kidney kena already. Visiting hour was over and the security guard kicked me out. I came back before 7pm, I ran cos I was afraid I didnt have a chance to see you. And I was shock, your body became lebih membengkak. I asked the nurse again, and still her answer was the same.

I was so worried, Hon.

Meanwhile, I just did a few works on the Genting assignments. I checked on Yinson, Arbae was on the night shift. I reminded him to write down everything necessary on the book. Ramesh told me that the cleaners salary was on the 1st. So I asked Alex to go up, but Ramesh said he wanted to go down on the 1st to buy food. I thought of giving him the money but I risau juga. Tengok lah nanti macam mana ya.

Btw hon, I dreamed you came to my bedroom when I was sleeping. You sat next to me, held my hand and your other hand touched my hair. You did not say anyting, but I felt that you were crying. I wasn't sure you were crying or not, I couldnt remember. Then you called my name, then I felt like IT WAS REALLY YOU shout in my ears. I woke up.

Hon... what are you feeling right now, Darling... I miss you so much.
posted by DHS

You had the surgery on 1.30AM, but your seizures don't stop. You get fits in every one hour. Even they are mild, but still not a good sign. Dr. Lee said you're very sick. Your body is a bit swollen. I asked Dr. Lee if your kidneys got problem. He said all sick people will be like that cos they are not moving and walking. So it's normal. You urine regularly also, proven by the urine bag that they change regularly. I saw the drainage bag of your brain liquid. Lot of water.

Alex and I start to talk about your EPF money. Right now, we don't talk about what would happen if you die. But it's confirm that he thinks the money will go to him.

So be it.

If you die, I will not ask for any penny for me. Your money is not my target. If you die, your soul will know, that my love for you is genuine.

I love you with all my heart.
posted by DHS

Btw honey, today your relatives came. They were Ruban, your uncle Jeffry and his son, Frederick. You are right, they totally remind me of a bunch of drunk people who are sitting at one kedai cina chitchatting.

But they are funny hahahaha. But Alex advised me not to get involve with them as I do not know how damage they can do. So ok lah.

Tomorrow, Brother Jim will come in the evening. Ruban insisted to transfer you to UM but it's too risky to do it now as you're not stable yet. Brother Jim told me not to and don't listen to Ruban. Hospital Sg. Buloh is doing their best.
posted by DHS

Hon,

The doctor said today was the worst of all the 3 days you've been in the ICU. You had 6 seizures started from 4.30AM. They asked me whether you ever have history of asthma or allergic. I told them, when you were small yes, but teenager now. Lately sometimes you had breath difficulty but we thought it was because you are a chain smoker.

I asked the nurse what sort of seizure you had. She said "Teruk sangat lah kak. Kaki dia sampai terangkat dan hampir terduduk. Biasa orang yg kena sawan masa di sedated hanya gerak-gerakkan jari2. Tapi tak macam uncle ini."

Apparently, your brain has swollen. Oh Honey... they have to reduce the pressure in your brain by making a hole in your skull and insert a hose right into your brain drain system so the fluid can come out.

Honey, the time when I could spend with you today, I held your hand, massaged your feet, kiss your shoulder and hand. Did you feel it? Did you hear me? Did you feel when I brushed your hair, touched your head with as much as love that I have?

I told Alex, to take you to my place if you happen to heal. I will take care of you, Honey. Your kids can have your money. I don't want. I am not ready to lose you... I will take care of you even you're paralyzed. I can manage. I will..

I will, Hon. You are my husband and I WILL NEVER EVER ABANDON YOU!
posted by DHS

No visitor is allowed to enter the High Dependency Unit. But I did manage to enter after a few tricks. Even it was only for 5 minutes, but I saw you. It broke my heart to see you in such condition. You were strong, you were full of hopes and high spirit.

Prove it now, Hon. Prove it that you can and you fight!

I am taking care of your business now. Just do whatever I can to teach Azam how to do the salary calculation but I told him, just make the timesheet. Dont count salary. Devi will do. I've called Devi and she said OK to do your Time sheet.

I've called Haji Shafar and he asked me what are the posts in Sg. Buloh. I told him they are Chevon, Onamba dan Tinmin Chocolate factory. Is that right?

I will go to your house this afternoon and download all the document. Hon, if you cannot do this, I can. I may not be able to tell you that I try all my best to save your business since you dont want to meet me, but I just want to write it down here.

Hon.. pls. FIGHT.
posted by DHS

Saya rela bertukar tempat dengan suami saya... Jangan biarkan dia tersiksa seperti ini. Ya Allah.. tolong suami saya... Dia bukan orang jahat, dia hanya diperbudak oleh egonya..

Honey.. I was there beside you. I touched you hon and I touched you because I missed you so much... I wanted to see you but not this way.. You were lying there sick.. you tried to get up.. maybe you were angry at me and didnt want me to be there.. honey i know you know I was there and could hear me.. Honey I am never angry at you.. tidak sedikitpun! Not because you are so sick like this, but to be honest I am still begging in my heart so you could come back to me...

Honey.. for once.. USE YOUR EGO IN A RIGHT TIME! And the time is NOW! Use your ego to stand up and fight! Fight! Fight! You're a strong man with strong ego! FIGHT! I am willing to do everything hon!

Even if you fail this trial, I will take care of your sons as I promise you. I never fail my promises.. I will take care of them.. they have nobody but you and me. I will work hard to ensure they are just fine and can flap their own wings..

Honey.. FIGHT AND GET UP! I love you! I love you so goddamn much! Fight hon please...... pleaseeeeeeeeeeee......... im not ready to lose you foreever.. not ready hon.. pleaseeeee... PLEASE!!!!!!!!!
posted by DHS

Ya, saya cemburu pada Alex. He's with you now at the hosp. He said, suspected dengue.

You remember when you were sick of dengue a few years back? I was with you. You were angry with me for what reason I forgot. I still stayed no matter what. I slept at the hosp on a chair, in the morning took bus to work, after work I went to hosp.. Then I was so tired and sleepy, you let me sleep on your bed and you sit on a chair.

You remember?

Get well soon, Hon.
posted by DHS

Alex sms me, said you are sick, been 2 days not working. Yesterday your BP shoot up to 200 and your leg swollen. I asked him what are you eating, how do you guys eat. He said so far you always buy outside food and never cook.

He sent me one sms, and I replied many. I am worried about you. Maybe if seeing from my situation, it's better if you die. Cos I can use your death certificate to continue living here. But that is not what I want.

Oh Honey... I really wish I were there so I could take care of you.. I cannot tahan to think that you are sleeping alone sick....
posted by DHS

It's 10.30PM. I decided I have to try to sleep early otherwise it will be difficult for me to get up at 5.30 when I start working this Wednesday. I have to get out of the house at 6am, wait for the bus to take me to Subang Perdana, then take another bus to Federal Highway, then take another bus to 1Utama. It will tires me like hell but I have to survive.

Tomorrow I want to go to BSN to pay Astro and Celcom bill.

Goodnight, Hon.
posted by DHS

It's 10.30PM. I decided I have to try to sleep early otherwise it will be difficult for me to get up at 5.30 when I start working this Wednesday. I have to get out of the house at 6am, wait for the bus to take me to Subang Perdana, then take another bus to Federal Highway, then take another bus to 1Utama. It will tires me like hell but I have to survive.

Tomorrow I want to go to BSN to pay Astro and Celcom bill.

Goodnight, Hon.
posted by DHS

Oh hon.. it's 3.20am in the morning and I still cant sleep! I miss you so much, Hon...
posted by DHS

It's 1.5am on the 18th of April. Tomorrow, it's a month I came back to Malaysia.

Tomorrow I want to bring Alif to cut his hair. Sometimes it irritates me that the barber shop is very nearby but since bus doesn't go through that way, we have to go to Subang Perdana only to cut his hair.

Yesterday, I had a chit chat with Cik Ain. She asked me, "living separately like this, how your husband can manage his sexual needs?" I have no answer. But to be honest, somehow lah.. I believe you don't go to some pros to satisfy 'that'. I don't know.. maybe. But it never cross my mind.

Next weekend, I want to spend a night at a friend's house in Kota Warisan, with Alif. She bought a new house.

On Wednesday, I will start to work at Bandar Utama. If situation gets better, I will register on driving lesson and get my license. This is really A MUST. Later, I want to buy a car. An old one, janji can take me to work without having to suffer 3 hours in a bus.

Goodnight, Hon. I love you.
posted by DHS

To me yeah. Knowing you are 3 guys in one house and all the 3 of you are having a same problem ---> LOVE.

Alex: his girlfriend has dumped him because she thinks he does not want to be engaged with her. Alex said it's not the real problem, he just doesn't know HOW to tell you to come to the girl's house. Alex is so broken hearted now. He wrote in his facebook: "We never forget those who made us smile." and the recent one "When you smiled you had my undivided attention. When you laughed you had my urge to laugh with you. When you cried you had my urge to hold you. When you said you loved me, you had my heart forever."

Albert is also dumped by his girlfriend. I think this is his first broken hearted. He wrote in his Facebook: "Love starts with smiles, grows with kisses and ends with tears. Why do you leave me?" And his recent one is "The song I used to sing for you, has lost its soul. It means nothing for you. You left..."

And what about you, Hon? What's on your mind?

3 guys in a same house. All the three of them are broken hearted. I cannot imagine how the house would be....
posted by DHS

For you I was a flame. Five story fire as you came. Why do I wish I never played?
What a mess we made and now the final frame. Love is a losing hand... More than I could stand.

Self professed... profound.. Till the chips were down. I know you're a gambling man. Though I'm rather blind. Love is a fate resigned. Memories mar my mind. Love is a fate resigned. Over futile odds.. Love is a losing game. All days spent together, it's like we never started. I wish for the better, but you say you're loving but you don't love me..

You hurt me bad but I won't shed a tear.
posted by DHS

Today as usual, I am all alone after Alif goes to school. I cook your favourite food, Hon.

Prawn sambal.

But I have no apetite to eat since it happened.
posted by DHS

It's 2.15am in the morning of 14th April 2010.

Pls take care of yourself. I don't know when I will stop writing to you in HERE.

Goodnight, Honey.
posted by DHS

Yes I didn't wear them. I took them off when I arrived at the imigration because I am afraid you will ask them like you did to my gold chain. They are the only things I have that link to you so I feel I still have you close with me.
posted by DHS

Hi Hon,

I am sitting at the canteen on the 4th floor. I wanted to have breakfast on the GF since I haven't taken breakfast but I am afraid you decide the same thing. So I went up.

I got up at 5.30am this morning, went out of the house at 6 something and had to wait for a bus that came at 7.15. More than an hour to wait for a bus. Then went to Subang Perdana, took Metro 9, stopped at Federal Highway and it was 8am already. I was afraid I might arrived late so I took a taxi and had to pay RM20.

At the imigration, I met you :) But you lose weight. I think about 6kg ada. I am so sad and didn't dare to look at you too long though I had a chance to see you for a few seconds when we entered the commissoners for oaths room. I am very happy. I want to cry.

Why did you leave when I still needed to talk to you...

Until how long you put your ego above everything? Until when you can see the truth that the people you hurt the most are the ppl who sincerely care for you the most?

God.. please open his heart.. For me and for him. I want nothing but to be with him for the rest of my life.. Please God, please listen to my prayer.
posted by DHS

Hon,

Tomorrow, we will meet up at the Imigration to extend my Pass for 1 year until 2011. I pray you could control your temper and not yell at me.

God.. please help me and my son...
posted by DHS

Hi Hon,

Yesterday (Sat 10th April), I went all day with a friend to look for a job. It tired me but knowing she was willing to bring her kids all along to help me, I knew she was a good person. I arrived home at 5.30, cooked a quickie dinner for me and Alif then langsung tewas tidurrr..

In the morning, Alif said last night you sms him, asked him if he had eaten yet, then asked if I didn't cook. Later on he said that you did not believe it was him that texted you. He also informed me there was a letter for you. It was your Celcom phone bill. But the sms conversation reminded me about one thing. I have to provide good food for me and Alif. I will try.

On Sunday, I had to go out again. Did my Sunday job. I got 3 offices to be cleaned and earned RM130. Not bad. But again, I was too exhausted. Arrived home, I cooked sambal prawn, kangkong, and boiled egg.

While eating, Alif said "Daddy rindu sama masakan mama gak ya?"

I told him, "I don't think so."

It's almost 1AM in the morning, Sunday 12th April. I'd better go to sleep and hope tomorrow I get good news from some jobs I am applying to. On Tuesday, we will meet up at the Imigration and I don't want to make any assumption what would happen there, knowing how much you hate me.

Goodnight, Hon.
posted by DHS

Today is 10 April 2010, almost 2am in the morning and I am still awake. I don't know how long I will go like this. I don't want to prolong but I cannot control my heart. I miss you so much and everyday, it's getting worse.

I am still waiting for the job reconfirmation. Until today, the guy hasn't called me back. Said he wanted to talk to his boss on my salary then would call on the day I can start. On the other hand, I got an interview call from Cyberjaya to be IT helpdesk for HP. They interviewed me on the phone and seemed quite satisfied. They planned to put me for Australian market. It's a shift job and since it follows Australia time, I might start to work as early as 4am. How can I take the job....

My main problem beside getting a job, is my Pass. This year is the last extension you want to help. Next year, you don't want to help. Honey, you're not a man you're always proud of. A man who kotakan janji. But I guess, who am I to demand...

You asked my integrity to return the money in amount you demanded. I have proven my integrity. But you haven't. I didn't have trust and faith in you and you begged me to have a little trust and faith in you. When I did, you have failed me again.

If our relationship gets better one day, and if you want us to be together again.. I don't know what to answer. You maki saya perempuan sundal, pelacur, pukimak, indon money greedy, I have forgiven and forget.

But I know for sure, you can repeat the same thing and ruin my life once again...

P.S: Did you know honey, Alex told me he misses me and Alif.. and my cooking. Do you also? I cook everyday for me and Alif. Yeah where to buy food? I have no car, can't drive. I and Alif laugh and are moving on. It's quiet in the house but we can manage well.

I do not know what situation it is in your house... with you're drunk every night..
posted by DHS

It's a wrong decision to stay in F-112 and you shifted out. Cos the house tortures me with your shadow. Even the bedsheet, it has your blood on it. Sigh... I wish I chosed to shift out and you stay.
posted by DHS

It's 1.41am in the morning, 9th April 2010. I cannot sleep. I really miss you in our bedroom. You must be sleeping right now.

You must not think of me. I cannot imagine you're touching another woman...
posted by DHS

You have no idea how much I miss you TONIGHT.
posted by DHS

"If your son fever does not come down, better take him to Sg. Buloh hospital cos dengue fever is on the rise."

You could say, Alif, or your pet name for him Ah Chai. But you preferred "your son."

It was your EGO. I wish you really could gain something good from your ego.
posted by DHS

Alif came back from school sick. He said around 3pm, he felt dizy and cikgu asked him to lay down. He went off to sleep without taking shower and eating his dinner.

I cleaned my toilet when you sms'd me. I did not hear. You sms me said you didnt have time to bank in the money so you would come to my place and gave it by hand. You did ask Alif to go out and collect.

I knew, if I went out to see you, you'd be angry. But seeing Alif's sleeping, I didn't have a heart to wake him up. His body was very warm but he felt cold. I dared myself to go out.

I saw you. I was happy.. though you left in rush and without saying anything.

You gave an envelope and nasi pattaya. I assumed it was for Alif, not for me. I went inside, and Alif called me. I told him, "Dad bungkus nasi pattaya buat Alif." He got up, brushed his teeth, changed his cloth and ate the nasi pattaya. He said "Dad datang?"

Honey, if only you knew how much he missed you...

He complained his throat was hurt everytime he swallowed food or water. I told him I would bring him to see doctor tomorrow. I would go by bus. He said he did not want to. Too weak to wait for bus. I told him I would try to get help from Cik Ain tomorrow. He ate the nasi pattaya half, and the other half he put in the fridge. He said "Buat sarapan besok. He really likes nasi pattaya and you know.

His body was still warm. I gave him panadol to eat. That was the only medicine I had.

An hour after, Alex sms me, said he couldn't stand to live with you anymore. You were always drunk everynight and scold him and Albert, tried to find mistake so you could release your anger on them. Alex wanted to rent a room outside. He hates you. And soon, Albert will leave you as well. Albert already said that to Alex that he will leave soon. Alex said he wanted to forget everything. His girlfriend has left him because she thought Alex did not want to engage with her. It wasn't the reason. The reason was Alex did not know how to tell her and her family about HIS FATHER.

After that, I received your sms to meet at the imigration on the 13th. And that will be the last extension. You said you did not care if I die and wanted me to get out of your life.

Why? Was it because you met me? Why did you destroy your own family..... For the sake of YOUR EGO?

And on top of all, WHY ARE YOU DESTROYING YOURSELF???
posted by DHS

I might get a job at Bandar Utama, near 1U. It's admin works, easy. Salary? Very small, RM1,800 only and the manager is still trying to get me the amount as his boss disagrees. But 90% I might get it.

Let's say, 500 for house rental, bus fare back and forth RM10/day, means RM260 per month. Electricity, Astro, water and internet is about RM 250. So RM1000 is already allocated for that. For Alif's pocket money RM3 x 20 = RM60. Food RM8 x 30days = Rm240.

I have RM500 to save. In 12 months, I might have RM6000. Enough for me and Alif to start a new life in Indonesia. Miskin tak apa. Janji kami tak dihalau lagi.

Since you don't want to sign our visa papers next year..

If there is a way I could continue living and working here without your help on the visa papers, we will shift house to a flat in Damansara so I can just walk to work. Flat there is about RM600/month. But I don't have to spend RM260 for bus fare. Means I can save about another additional RM160 per month.

Problem is with Alif's school. He must move to Damansara high school. And I can't do it without your signature. And you don't want to know about us anymore.

Sigh...
posted by DHS

You always said that you were a fair person. But why I didn't have a chance to explain? Why did you scare me with your changing-every-half-hour character that made me hesitate to defend myself?

Alex told me, stop trying to be together with you. I did not know what he meant. Did he really say it for my own sake or he just hated me. I did not know. But he asked me to represent him to meet his girlfriend's family since you were totally out of reach though you two lived in a same house...

I said I could not go with him. Not that I did not want to. But because it was not my right.
posted by DHS

Honey..

On 21st March, Alex came to my house. He looked so tired and haggard. We chit chat for a few hours about what happened. Please bear in mind that I did not invite him. He came to give me my cousin's bag and the house keys.

He said, "Dad can manipulate Albert, but he cannot manipulate me."

He told me about you been drinking every night. Said you badmouthed me and I'd better not hear what it is. I guess, compared to what you said to me when you were angry, what you said in front of him about me is nothing. He told me where you live. I did not ask him where. He told me. I already knew that you wouldn't live far away from me. Why, I do not know. He said that he wants to go away from you. Not because he hates you. He just wants to forget everything and moves on. He is 25, and wants to be independent.

Honey, you cannot be selfish. Alex is suffering. He has chosen the woman he loves to be his future wife. But a groom cannot walk to the wedding alone. But to depend on you, is the same with to depend on the wind blows...

From what he told me, the girl has good background. Their hindu, but she is willing to convert to be Christian because an Indian wife must follow her husband. Alex does not have anything, they dont mind. Nothing comes in a night. Alex just start his career. Alex doesnt have house, they dont mind. They want Alex to live with them. Alex doesnt have money for the wedding, they dont mind. They are willing to bear all the cost. They dont want a gala wedding, just the 2 families.

But it wont happen, if you keep being selfish.

You have to set him free. He doesnt dare to tell you that his girl's family wants to see you. Not to prepare a wedding, but just to see you. The girl is sad, because of your character, she becomes a victim. Just like Alex, Albert, me and Alif..

We become the victims of your selfish, self-righteous, manic depressive character...
posted by DHS

It's 1AM honey and I still cant sleep. Writing your sms' in this blog reminds me about one thing. You said for money, I prostitute myself.

Prostitute myself for money? YOUR MONEY? If I did, then why would I have to work all these 5 years? Do not lie, your salary is not enough for us to live. And remember before our wedding, my ex boss came from USA. I asked for your permission to meet him. And I told you that he was interested in me since 1996 but I didn't respond. He came from USA to stop me from marrying you and marry him instead.

I did not choose him. I chosed you.

He owns 4 yachts and a house on an island in Florida. He earns US$80,000 per month and you earn what? What do you have? Your RM100,000 EPF that you can only withdraw in 2016?

If I am willing to prostitute myself for money, then why did I marry you.....

Another thing, you were so angry that I badmouthed your ex wife. You were angry for whatever offensive sentences I said. What about your sentences? Did you read them all? You told your sons (Alex told me) that I badmouthed Julitha. I did not. It is all the things you told me about her. She knew nothing even to pay electricity bills, she knew nothing but gambling and party. She was kaki rayau, she worked at a bar. All the things I said about her is actually all the things you said that came back to you.

But I told Alex the truth, that the reason WHY I talked like that (about his mum) was because you talked so bad, so bad about my parents, my late mother and my sisters.

Why cant I do the same?

Alex said suddenly you love Julitha back. Yeah right.. what did you say? Filipino Bitch? And what did you say about your sons? Anak haram Filipino? Exactly like their mother? Mongoloid blood?

I did not tell Alex about that. I did not want him to hate you... I just take all the blame.

Let it be mine........
posted by DHS

On the 2nd of April, you banked in RM700 to my account. My house rental has not been paid. So I paid it. I asked Ramesh to come and collect.

You promised via sms, that on the 8th you will bank in another RM1K. So for April 2010, you give RM1,700./

Hopefully, I got a good news from a company that I am hired. Salary? RM1,800. Enough for me and Alif to live without your support as you, again, said that you will stop when you decide to stop.

My concern is not money. It is my Pass to stay in Malaysia. I cannot return to Indonesia not because I don't want to. But because:

1. Alif's school. School in Indonesia starts in July. Here in Malaysia, starts in January. If you stop signing my Pass papers, I would have to go back to Indo in April next year. And that time Alif just start his Form 2 for a few months. He has to stop schooling for 3 months ONLY to repeat Form 1 in Indonesia again. And he was 14 that time. Too old for a Form 1 student. So all the time he spends in Malaysia for study, all the efforts we do for him to be able to school here, are WASTED.

2. I don't have house. I can't stay with my sister. My father's house in Tapos had been sold off. To rent a house, I need money. I won't get a job there. I cannot start business there, I have no money. Because of this lah I agreed with you to return to Msia.

And all you do is just again, threatening to chase me out of the country again.... You are the one who brought me for the 2nd time. You are the one who chased me out for the 2nd time..

If only you realize.. that you suffer for manic depressive and get treatment, it would be different case we have right now :(
posted by DHS

I SHOULD NOT be so afraid of you.
I SHOULD NOT be so afraid of you till I acted as if everything was just fine.
I SHOULD NOT push myself so hard to maintain your mood.
I SHOULD NOT try to hide that our monthly money was enough.
I SHOULD be thrifty.

I SHOULD be able to take the consequences that you would question if money wasn't enough for our monthly expenditure.
I SHOULD be able to push my self to write down every spending. So it could be a proof if you asked me why money wasn't enough every month.

Above of all, my only mistake was.. I SHOULD NOT BE AFRAID OF YOU.
posted by DHS

The 1st 10K you gave me in 2008, it was all used up. Remember, you were jobless for a few months. You gave me RM1K. You only gave me RM2K in the late 2009. Dont you forget and deny about this. Your weakness was this, you thought you always gave something but the fact was NOT ALWAYS. Every month, I withdrew for our monthly needs.

We shifted house in January 1st. The house deposit, the house cleaning and fix this and that, I used the money. Remember I went back to Indonesia to urus visa Alif. Ticket for both of me and Alif, I used the money. Ya lah jadi wang darimana lagi? I withdrew RM2500 for tickets, and did the needy in Jakarta.

When you gave me another RM10K in February 2009, you thought the 1st RM10K was still intact. The balance was only RM900. I withdrew to open account in Affin. When we processed my father's visa, must paid RM1K something, I used the money. If I used our salary, it wasn't enough because in January and February, you only gave me RM500. Then when you chased out my father, I used the money to buy him ticket and gave him money for him to keep. When I went to Singapore to meet my sister, I bought the aeroline tickets from the money also. In May when I went to Jakarta to launch my book, I bought the tickets from the money also.

I KNOW, that I used up all the money. That was why I kept on writing books so I could repay it. I am so stupid right? The money from my books were NOT supposed to repay the money I used for our family. My mistake was I WAS SUPPOSED TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH that I didn't have money anymore so you could find money from somewhere else rather than taking from the saving.

THAT'S ALL.

I should've told you the truth and not tell your otherwise, not tell you that I transferred the money to my account in Indonesia.

You asked me to transfer back RM12K. EVERYBODY, I repeat, EVERYBODY told me NOT to return the money because it is not your money. You ever asked me how much the money left on one Sunday when I was cleaning the kitchen. I did not know the balance. So I just told you about RM17,220. Then you gave me another RM2K. So what you know, the balance was RM19,230 as what I told you in the car. I called up my friends to help me, I borrowed money from them.

Henry: RM11K
Irina: RM5K.

Actually, the balance was only RM3. Added with RM11K and RM5K, it became RM19K. I thought I was safe if you asked me to print the balance slip. But you din't ask. I had to return the money to Henry and Irina cos I borrowed it only if in case, you asked me to print the balance.

Remember, I sold some of Imman's safes. First I got RM5K. I gave you RM1K, for me RM1K. The balance I put in the account RM3K. Do you know what did I do with my RM1K? I bought dress for me, for Alif, bought bed sheets, and sent RM400 for my sister who was very poor, and gave Albert RM150 when you chased him out.

So 19K + RM3 = RM22K. Then you banked in RM1300, and I got another sales from the safes, I gave you RM500, RM800 must be transferred back to Safeguard, and the balance RM2K I banked in. So the total is RM25K.

I told you I banked in RM22K to Indonesia so you wouldn't be angry because I thought you could accept my explanation that the money was safe, that the money was not all used up. But your reaction was beyond all I could predict. But I already lied. Though everybody told me not to transfer the money, but my heart said pls transfer back. My Son.. MY SON WHOM YOU HATE, told me, "Kirim lah uangnya, ma. Dad pasti sangat perlu. Nanti blood pressure Dad semakin tinggi dan soriasis nya semakin teruk." My father said return the money. My sisters said return the money but I must tell you the truth about it.

In Indonesia, I called my publisher to borrow me money. At least as a prepaid royalti. They transferred the money, and I transferred it to you RM12K. The balance I had was only about RM2K something.

I did not want to return to Msia. I just wanted to forget everything and move on. But everynight, you rayu saya to come back... that you promised you would support me. That you promised you would sign my visa and my son's visa papers.

I did come back, though I knew in my heart, that you would not kotakan your promise. That again, you would hurt me, tortured me... i finally came back because I couldn't see the sadness in my father's eyes, to see one of his daughter's marriage has failed. I wanted to give him peace in his life. He wont live long....

So I returned, though I knew, the torture would continue. But what I am having now is worst than I imagined. I am being tormented by my feeling.. that I miss you so much, Dear. I wear our wedding ring for 24 hours, that's the only thing I have that links to you. I couldn't sleep for days... I couldnt eat..

I finally manage to sleep, but everytime I am awake in the middle of the night, all I have in mind is looking for you.. texting you.. calling for you name. Hon.. what are you doing right now...

Everytime I enter our bedroom, I automatically look at your bed side, virtually see you laying there. When I want to sleep, I say it in my heart "Goodnight hon.."

I never love someone like I love you. I fall in love with you when I was 33. It's a matured age for me. The love I have for you will stay with me forever.. though you dispise me.
posted by DHS

My salary was RM2,500. Usually I received only 2k something cos it was deducted since I often didnt work. The salary was spent for:

- RM500, house.
- RM300, house bills.
- RM300-400, monthly grocery at Mydin.
- RM250, your medicines and my Jetepar.
- RM400, my father.
- RM300, arisan saya with friends and my turn was supposed to be in July.

Total: RM2,150 something. More or less.

Then usually before the 7th, you borrowed money from me. Then on the 7th, I got money from you RM2000. It was spent for monthly usage. Every day, I spent more than RM60 for:
- RM20, our dinner.
- RM5, my lunch.
- RM11, Albert and Alif's pocket money to school.
- RM10, my prepaid. Yes, I used a lot of prepaid. My office phone was always disconnected for not paying.
- RM25, we liked to stop at kedai aceh to buy this and that. Sometimes you asked me to buy your ciggarete, sometimes you used your own money. But tell me, sering juga saya pakai uang saya untuk beli your ciggarete right?

More or less every day I spent RM60. Multiply 30 days = RM1800. We like to shop at Giant or Mydin again. Twice in a month. Went to mall, bought this and that, bought cake, ate at KFC, stopped by at mamak 3 to 4 times a day during weekend.

Then how could you ask me what did I do with my salary? You bought your dress quite often. What did I buy for myself? Couldn't I buy dress for myself? Underwear? Even so, I seldom bought dress for myself. I bought T-shirt at Giant, RM8 only. I used the money for our children's clothes, even ALEX'S UNDERWEAR AND HANDKERCHIEFS, I WAS THE ONE WHO BOUGHT! I used the money as well. You used your own money. I never knew how much money you used for yourself. What part of my explanation here that I am lying to you?

Now you live separately with me. How much you spend every month deducted by the money you give to support me and your petrol + ciggaretes are exclusive lah. See if you can manage to spend below RM2K every month just for the house rental, house bills, food and etc. So the money you gave me RM2K every month those days were not enough. Then never ask me again, what did I do with my salary.
posted by DHS

A few days before it happened, I was very restless. My right eye didn't stop twitching. People said, you were going to cry. I know I will not have a chance to tell you THE TRUTH, so I just write it here. Though I know you will never read it because I will never tell you anything about this blog.

Saturday 27 Feb: I knew that it was time for me to explain. But I was too afraid. I could not sleep. But I did manage to sleep after touching your shoulder. The same thing I did even we had quarells. Only by touching you, I could sleep.

Sunday 28 Feb: I went out jogging to calm myself down. I did not know what sort of explanation I could use as a gun. When I was jogging, I found myself crying. Because I knew, our marriage was over. I stopped by at one quiet Kedai Mamak in Subang Bestari and sat down there for half hour. Darling, I really did not know what to tell you.

Then it happened. When I printed out the balance slip, I just thought maybe I could lie to you, that the money was transferred to my account in Indonesia. Maybe, if I could use it as an excuse, you would had just asked me to transfer it back.

I predicted if you hit me, I was ready for that. You punched me, I was prepared for that. But your reaction was beyond my imagination. Your anger was uncontrollable. You divorced me on the spot and threatened to kill my son. I ran to Giant to buy 2 suitcases and stopped a taxi. On the way home, you did not stop harassing me, yelling at me and threatening to hurt my son. And all the things I said was "Don't. I will return the money. Just don't hurt my son. I never did that to your sons."

I called my son to run to Kedai Aceh. I picked him up then we went to Damansara. We sat there, trying to get help from friends. Again, you did not stop harassing me. I kept all your sms'.

You chased me and my son out of the house. You called him "Pig Face Chinese Son." I never called your sons "Filipino bastard child." I tried not to get angry by your sms', because I knew you would twist all the things I said. But I am only a human, I got aggravated and asked you to see yourself before harassing me. That what you and your ex wife did was LUST, living together for 22 over years. And I had been a good wife, while all your ex wife did was sex, gamble and party (which later, as I already predicted, was twisted by you when you badmouthed me in front of your son. You did not tell them how you harassed me, didn't you?)

A help came from Irina. She brought me to our house to pack my stuffs. I only grabbed whatever I could see. You said you would burn everything left. I left all the things you asked: our marriage certificate, house tenancy agreement and the gold necklace you bought for me.

We went to another friend's house in Nilai. She took me to LCCT to buy ticket. It was so expensive. RM920 one way, for 2 passengers. I used my salary. I had to buy it, or else you would have a chance to find me and kill my son. I asked her to stop me at whatever cheap hotel near Brickfield. So it was easier for me to go to LCCT from KL Sentral.

You did not stop harassing me:

- Bitch, I want back my money and if not, you will face the consequences. Get out of my house and if I don't get the money tomorrow, I will make police report on you and cancel your visa at immigration.
- Remember you bitch. If tomorrow by 9am, if you don't return the money, the police report will be lodged and with the report I will immediately make sure you are arrested and deported. Have already inform my cop friend. This is serious and not a usual threat.
- I will also send email to Imman tonight to sack you immediately. I will tell him that if not, I will report him to immigration also.
- I already throw my sial wedding ring on the highway. I want you to leave the marriage cert and the gold chain I gave you. YOU CAN TAKE ANYTHING WHICH BELONG TO YOU. If you leave anything back, it will be burned.
- You get out today or I won't wait till tomorrow but will lodge police report today itself.
- Dont want to hear about your motherfucking fater. If tomoorrow there is no money, there will be no mercy for you and your son. When I come back to the house, I want you and your son out by then or I will not even wait till tomorrow but will make police report on you today for criminal breach of trust. I HATE YOU THAT MUCH BITCH. Anyway this will be the ground for divorce. PLS GET OUT TODAY, I DONT WANT TO SEE YOUR FACE AND YOUR SON'S FACE ANYMORE AGAIN.
- Final warning. If I dont get my money tomorrow. POLICE REPORT WILL BE LODGED AND BOTH YOUR VISA WILL BE CANCELLED. TAKE NOTE!
- That's your problem INDON MONEY GREEDY AND DISEASED BITCH. U dont want to know, by 3pm today you must get out of my house. I hope your and your son die.
- Just give back my money. I don't care if you die, bloody money greedy bitch. MUSUH DALAM SELIMUT. Get out by 3pm or the situation will be unimaginable.
- Hey punda bitch, dont u dare call me by HON. Dont aggravate me, just get out of my life and return my money.
- Your family is a pariah and you. I dont care if you die with your son but I am filing for divorce tomorrow and dont sms me again. I WANT MY MONEY AND YOU OUT MY LIFE FOR GOOD.
- Leave my passport and surat nikah. I need it for my divorce process tomorrow.
- Oi pukima, you better immediately take YOUR PUKIMA CHIBAI SON OF YUORS out of my house before I wallop him. I hate to see his ugly pig face.
- Do it now. When I come back at 3pm, I dont want to see both of you. Dont want to see any of your things either and I will burn everything. I CURSE YOU AND YOUR SON IN THE NAME OF GOD. Thats how much I hate both of you bloody indon money swindlers.
- On further though, in consideration of the 4 years being with me and knowing you are cursed to die soon, I will give you RM7000 as sedekah and the balance of RM15,000 return it to me tomorrow. I will give the divorce papers asap to sig.
- Dont thank me you indon dog. When it comes to money you all will prostitute yourself. Thats how you are all brought up without any principles. Anyway, I never did trust you cos I knew all the while you were a mata duitan. I feel relieved now. GOOD RIDDANCE PEREMPUAN SIALAN.
- Oi pukimak indon. LEAVE THE HOUSE TENANCY AGREEMENT * MAYBANK A/C FOR RENTAL.
- I have already informed my children on your evil deeds and my decision to get rid of you. So dont bother talking to contact them cos they also were aware that you were an evil person.
- You remember that you told JULITA to die in her moment of suffering? Deep in my heart I know you said to her although you denied it. You will horrendously suffer for your sins and you will live to see your only son suffer and die a horrible death in front of your eyes. You dont know the power of Christ yet. You will pay for your sins before you die. You made me desert Jesus and I am returning to him.
- Again and again you keep on lying. Anyway, you are at a disadvantage cos I have the ultimate authority to cancel both your visa and if I decide to do that, then you must exit Msia immediately. The divorce will go smoothly, it is a separate issue. If my money is returned tomorrow, you can stay in the country and I will sign the necessary forms in April. If I dont get the money, I will make sure you are sent to detention centre before deportation. No mercy will be shown to my enemies.
- Another thing, tell your bastard worthless father not to call me cos he is one of the reason I am divorcing you. Reason is cos he try to interfere with my children's religion and my EPF. I CURSE THE BASTARD TO DIE TERRIBLE DEATH. Motherfucker he cannot even bring up his bitch daughters properly but want to teach others about life. Stupid idiot he is and also your dead mother was a money parasite. GOOD RIDDANCE.
- Hey bitch dont be pathetic. I dont care, I will give you until 4pm tomorrow. After that if no money then I will proceed to destroy you and your son. you got to pay for your dishonesty bitch. Stop giving excuses.
- Pelacur sialan. Sudah kau dan anak sial kau itu dah keluar dari rumah saya ke ? CEPAT KELUAR SUNDAL SIAL.
- No need for you to come back to the house again anymore. I will pack whatever remaining things belonging to you and send it to Solingen tomorrow. From now on I am no more your husband and I officially divorce you with 3 talks. Wish you the best.

Then your anger started slowing down...

- You really hurt me very deep cos I trusted you more than my own children. Your greatest betrayal was transferring the money without my knowledge allthought I had told you that you need to inform me if you want to withdraw the money. I know that my life will not be long so I wanted to monthly bank in money for your security and not intended for me at all. How selfish you are cos I never cared for myself but you came first. Is this how you repay me?
- As long as you want to stay here, I will sign the visa document cos I am not cruel but I cannot accept you back again cos you betrayed my trust. Whatever excuse is not acceptable. ANyway, let me know when the money had been transferred tomorrow. You can also come tomorrow and take your things cos I will be shifting out next week.
- I know that if I divorce you at JAIS office then your vice will automatically be canceled. So for humanitarian reasons, I wont do that so you can stay and earn a living and Ah Chai can school here.
- You can come and take whatever barang such as micro, tv, etc etc. I dont mind.
- You take a good care of yourself.
- I will be there at UM hospital for you check up in May. Give me the appointment details.
- When you come back and if you want, I will you and Alif a flat to stay, if you agree.

Then I decided that I did not want to come back to Malaysia. I wanted to live in my country. But you pleaded that I changed my mind. You persuaded me to stay.

- I am so sorry you want this to ended up this way. Pls dont send him back to school in Indon. Let him school here and I wont intrude in both of you lives. Every year, I will just sign the legal papers and I wont come into your life. Just let the boy continue his studies here. I promise not to hurt him or you. Dont destroy his life and I still care cos he is innocent. Pls consider my request.
- We cant resolve anything. We remain separated and I will support you monthly so that you can save up for rainy days.
- You are just assuming that I hate your son and that I am against you sending money to your father. Tell me did I ever ask you what you do with your salary? About your son, I dont hate him but the way you pamper and spoil him, is what I dont like. Remember what U did to ALBERT, cos later on in life I dont want to regret for my screw up.

What did you do to ALBERT? What ALBERT did until I had to bash Alif up? Albert stole things, dont you forget that? Did Alif steal things? Albert went out merayau sampai pukul 3 pagi. Did Alif do the same thing? Did Alif yell back at me or you everytime we scoled him just like what Albert did to us? You told Albert not to go out with his friends to the beach. He still go. Did Alif do the same things?

Tell me.... what Alif did until I had to hit him? He is only 13 for God sake! You did not know I was angry and yell at him every time I entered his room. Because if I did that in front of you, you would say "Kenapa marah-marah sama budak itu???" He made his homework without me asking him. He knew what was his responsibility but yes his room was like just being ransacked. That was why I always scold him.

At night, I had fever. I didn't manage to eat. My son was restless and he did not want to go. I could not cry in front of him. But when he was asleep, I cried so hard from pleading to God to give me a way.. so God would touch your heart..

Monday, 1 March: I went to our house at 9am in the morning because you said I could come back to get some stuffs that I had not brought along. But when I reached there, you car was still in the parking lot. Suddenly, I received your sms that you still want the money and that the pad lock had been changed. You said I COULD COME BACK AND TAKE MY THINGS but you changed the pad lock for security reason you said. I replied "No need to say sorry. It's something you have to do."

I told you that I would fly to Jakarta on the 2nd of March. The truth was, I flew on the 1st of March. Not to lie again, but to calm you down. If you knew that I went off on 1 March, it might aggravate you.

Later on, I knew that my decision to go to Indonesia on 1 March was a mistake. Cos at night, I received your sms that you regretted what you had done and begged me to come back home. That you didn't want the money again, that I could take all the money with me. All you wanted was I came back home.

Honey.. I was in Indonesia already when you pleaded me to come back. God, if I were still in Malaysia, I would have come home and be with you... even kiss your feet to say sorry..
posted by DHS

Hon..

What I know about LOVE is, LOVE means a truth in a creation. That's why, a heart full with love is easy to see the truth. Love does not grow in a heart fulls with arrogancy, anger and revenge. Love creates humbleness. Love is a light that gives the strength of seeing the truth in our eyes.

Your heart is full with arrogancy, anger and revenge. Love does not grow in you.

I hope nothing but one day, you can see the truth that I want NOTHING but to spend the rest of my life with you.
posted by DHS

I know I wil move on. But nothing can stop me from thinking of you. I laugh, read, write, talk, but this brain... is always thinking of you.

And my prayer is always be the same from 28th February 2010 till I close my eyes forever.

Dear God, please open his heart.. pls destroy his EGO so he can come back to me because I am the only one who loves him unconditionally.
posted by DHS

Today at 3pm, I went out to pay house bills. After that I thought to stop by at Be Pharmacy to buy my medicines. I just did not know why, but sometimes I did something without knowing why. I wanted to go at the food court where Yati had her food business. I knew she closed her business already, but I just did not know why I wanted to go there.

Then I saw your car, parking in front of the Kedai Cina. I did not dare to look for you. I went off.

It was so hard not to come and find you, but I managed to do it.

But even it was only your car, I was happy.
posted by DHS